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Tomorrow I fly away.
Holiday. Or maybe honestly seeking a space of solace.
The last time I had a break-up, I wished so badly that I could just go far far away. This time, I just decided I should. The stakes are higher because I am still building my finances. I dug out my savings nevertheless. I must go. Something inside keeps running after me.
It’s probably the first time I am going to fly solo to an unknown place. Good thing there are friends. It is a mix of fear and excitement. Weird. When did Kai become so chicken? Age…
Watching Dad tonight propels me to want to jump on the plane. Watching him is painful. I cannot remember how he was like 1 month ago, half a year ago , 2 years maybe? What was he like? Was he like this? What is this anyway? Sometimes, he just freezes and no matter what we say, there is no respond in his eyes. Is he senile? Is he hearing me? Is he being stubborn? Or stuck? Or just making life difficult for us? What will he be like 3 months? 1 year? 5 years down the road? I feel so cold about this. I dislike how I treat him. I dislike how mom, sis or nic treats him. What is wrong with us?

I was doing a program yesterday in Sentosa. As much as many people that I know do not like the boss, I certainly look at him and he has turned the company around with a vengeance. Whatever his personal qualities are like, I am not a judge. Perhaps he is one of those “big picture” person that annoys the shit out of people who have to take care of the details. But…he is doing well; and perhaps like he said:.even better than before. Whatever anger he had.. he has transferred that to creating results.

No, I am not interested to be like him. It will never change that I prefer people to like me. What I learnt was that no matter whatever adversities that come our way, we can leverage on them to create a bigger, more dynamic vision. Sure, most people will never know the pain that was tolled…but at the end of the day, we can emerge a winner.

He quoted this during the training which I mentally took note: “ To know and not to act; is not yet to know” So many things that I have been mentally battling with but not acting on. Perhaps that is the key to open doors

Strange things are happening to me everyday.

I'd like to see that as good!

The weirdest of the latest series of kooky happenings: a friend from old college days surfaced and within 2 meetings (which were really for work), he confessed on being "smittened". Who uses such language in this era??? That was absolutely unreconcillable. I cannot make heads or tails of it and am just dodging like mad. I dun need this now. Or may be I do want a romance. But not a dingy one! He is so not going to be it. So I ask my best friend yet again what she makes of this nonsense. She laughed and told me I should be glad I am still attractive. Geez. Come to think of it, it's been a long time since I am alone starting from ground zero again. I've long forgotten how to play the dating game. Maybe this is to assure me I'm not a grumpy old hag yet.

1 more week to go before I whiz off for my holiday. I just realised I've never just travelled by myelf much. How unbelievable to hear that from me ...but it's true! So I am in a strange way nervous. I'll still have friends in BKK and Inner Mongolia but wow it's just going to be me me me. No men to pamper and take care of me.

I can so feel my life being taken out for a scrub. Clean it all out. Trash the grub and mess. This better be good from now on!

A state of un-ease

My mind and body seems to be going mad. I've just been experiencing so much that I don't know where to start to talk about what's going on. Since the break-up, it's been episodes of grieve, relief, acceptance, questioning, frustration, peace, lonliness, freedom...all of that melted together.How do I tell what apart?

Some people tell me just take a step at a time. Sometimes, I want to just leap and see what's at the end. I do. I constantly ask when? How will it be? I'm obviously not a fan of mysteries. Perhaps that's it...the Universe just wants me to learn to wait.

I met a person 2 nites ago. Well, my theory was that of billions of people on this planet; the fact we are from different parts of this world yet sat at the same spot to have teh tarek in Little India and then had a conversation...the Universe arranged all of that. So I allowed myself the room to be a friend. What pushed this entire event to an even more bewildering situation was bumping right into him last night at the airport. We knew very little about each other. Most of it was travel & culture talk. But it made me think so much I think my heart & mind were bursting, from a lack of ability to just express it all correctly. It's an aquaintance that has brought about even more questions.What am I afraid of? What am I aware of? Who am I really? What do I believe in? It felt like the angels sent one of them here. yea. it felt that strange and out of the world.The coincidence of it all. And yet then he left without a contact. Just like how an angle would slowly disappear.I couldn't understand it all. It all seemed too intense; yet reminiscent of the relationship that jusy ended. Just like that. Impossible to explain.

Why do pple come into our lives like this and then just disappear

Sometimes angels speak through friends whom you least expect to experience the "ah-ha" moment. :-)

Well...not that David isn't filled with wisdom. haha. just that I would not have expected coaching on relationship from my friend who constantly has his "commitment phobic" light blinking.

However he did remind me today that I do live with choices and I have made choices. So no such nonsense as "I have no idea what can I do". I did make a choice of surrender. NOt the version of waving the white flag in the air and losing all hope. No. In fact this is with complete trust & hope that my surrender to God & his angels will guide our way home. That while at this very moment, I seem mortally clueless about the fate of my relationship...my soul has been deeply communicating with my guides. I DO know what to do. Just let go. And practice TRUST.

So dear God, thank you for speaking again with me today.

Superman Returns

I'm so glad they made the new Superman movie. I am almost beginning to forget about the Hero. Especially how super he is. Really! Like the fact that his chest is impenetratable by bullets, that his breathe can kill massive fires, his ability to see through any matter and how he hears everything all at once. Pretty amazing isn't it.

Some folks might think the movie was a tad slow. I am just happy that we have a Hero again. Everybody needs a Hero. An infalliable man of steel. Someone we can celebrate victories with and count on to take care of us. I grew up with Superman. I am glad my 2 year old niece will be able to grow up with him too...to see that goodness will prevail; and goodness & strength live in us.

In fact I thought the story of how Superman is saved by his girlfriend & her hubby AND how the people took their turn to take care of Superman when he was hurt --- a truly touching message. Somehow, even the Man of Steel needs support. We all do, no matter how stong we are in life.

Gee. am pretty sentimental about the whole thing man.

adopt your own virtual pet!

Have not been wanting to blog for a while...right until mum "punctuated my tire"!
I took up Reiki ad started my Level 1 today. Am extremely excited having been attuned and wa looking forward the whole day to do Reiki for sis, mum & dad. Good news was sis was open about it and even specifically asked if I could work on her lower back which is aching. When I just got home, I went to mum wanting to reiki her shoulders. She rejected me flatly, saying she is better. Then in her all-time unappreciative manner, she remarks that she's learnt similar stuff before and it doesn't work. I was simply reaching over to me niece and she sternly warned me not to reiki nicky cos she claims it's unsafe. Felt a full wave of tears gushing up my eyes.
Why can't she practice a little appreciation. It's weird that at the session at AW on Monday; that was one big thing that surfaced for me...wanting appreciation for my family. Wanting them to show a little bit of kindness for the things I do. Mum cmplains we don't appreciate her. How to? When we choose to do something for her, she pushes us away and makes nasty remarks about our good intentions. All I did was out of wnating to make her happy and wanting to make things work in this house. Why can't she be a little kinder with her words